You are my Friend or you can F OFF Forever

Friendship, if done correctly, is harmonious and strong. If done improperly, then I just suggest telling the other person, who is obviously wrong, to F off.

my poetic tribute to LA friendship

Friendship: LA

I'm glad we are friends
as long as it benefits me
i'll totally be there for you
unless you are moving
need a ride to the airport
or if it involves me me being there for you
if you need someone to listen
text me
if you need a shoulder to cry on
and my shoulder happens to be in need of tears
sweet
if not,
you will receive my dry cleaning bill
from your dirty eye rain
along with a series of get over it eye rolls
you must come to my show
and i will come to yours
if something happens and i don't come to yours
you must understand
if something happens and you miss my event
you may f off forever
i love you
but mostly
i love that i don't need to love you
i need you
to tell me i am wonderful
hold me
not back
but just when i am sleepy

you are my friend
or
you can F off forever

I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

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Can You Kick Me in The Balls Again... Awesome Thanks

Hello, My name is J Chris Newberg and I am a comedy person. I write funny songs for movies, as well as jokes for myself and others. I have been performing on stage in one way or another since 1988. I have toured the country as a warm up act for huge rock stars like Oasis and John Mellencamp. I have two successful albums on I tunes with live sales collectively totaling 20,000 or so. I have done local TV, Basic Cable and National spots and my jokes have appeared on Conan and the Tonight Show. I am usually booked and busy and I have a web fan base of around 15,000 (twitter/myspace/facebook). I have of 11 million views on my web videos (funnyordie/youtube/ebaumsworld/myspace). My live shows very between colleges and comedy clubs and it's rare that I don't sell out of merch after a show. I have performed in every state but Alaska and have been all over the world performing my comedy. I am very lucky, but I work my ass off and I am not complaining. I just have to share how this business is pretty fucked up.

In the past week, I was turned down again for my half hour. I won't say the network, but I was told "Your material is not developed. We need more from your material. Is the guitar really necessary?"

Turned down for several other TV appearances.

CL: "You are not funny enough. We specialize in comics that are quick witted. You are not that."

JLS: "We are all set with music. We have the Dan Band. We won't be needing you."

DL: "You are not smart enough for our show."

LNWCF: "Not funny at all. I don't see it."

LCWCD "Too edgy."


I think it's funny. I have also been told to change and do things this way or that way and I can't find a manager to rep me in LA. They all say, " they don't see it."

So, you know what I am going to do? The exact same thing. I'm funny. I make people laugh and I am going to keep kicking ass alone. You don't want to help me? Fine. Fuck you. It may take me longer to get there, but rest assured my little agent/manager peoples, I will get there -

Oh and by the way, when you kicked me in the nuts, I was wearing a cup - Boom


I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

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Happy 18th Birthday...From mom and pop

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