How to End a Toxic Relationship

All new relationships are exciting. Period. It's like hitting the reset button on a love video game or shaking your sex Etch A Sketch until the canvas is again blank. However, soon this runs its course. Life, if anything, has taught us that in a few weeks, months or years it will be time to fire this person from your life forever.

The dating part is easy. You like them, they like you, so tie your legs together at the picnic and off you go. You have laughed, fought, made up, made love, banged in a coat room, eaten at Big Boy, and talked about all you are going to talk about.

Uh oh, now they bug you. You can't stand them. The pretty girl with unique laugh is now the awful girl with the snort and the handsome fellow that put you ahead of everything is rarely around because he's just a dick. How Do you end this as quickly and as quietly as possible? Simple, be honest, lie to them, and then delete their information.

1 Be Honest. i.e. "My dog hates you," "The people under my couch told me it was time to move on," "I need live at sea."
2 Lie To them. i.e. "I will never forget you," "This mix tape is how I feel," "You don't suck at all."
3 Delete them. Click.. bye bye

Life is short, unless you are a vampire, so do whatever, but please don't drag it out and confuse love with addiction, because you're a pussy. You will find someone else, look at you. You're great and it worked once on the person you just dumped, right? It can happen again and it will, but if you get it wrong, know that you are supposed to. So laugh and eat soup or stay in it and pout. Choice is yours, I just gave you the map.

I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

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Things I think when i am naked

1 wow, that's kinda neat looking...
2 i remember when that didn't look so swollen
3 i wonder if i will ever get my shot at the title
4 do other people smell perfect like me, or did god spill some cologne on my soul
5 i'm certain that i am not black
6 the next lady who wants a piece of me, better bring a to go container
7 my ankles look like they would taste good
8 how come i only sweat when i am looking in the mirror
9 you know that one song by asia, yeah... that's me naked
10 can you believe this is legal? i can actually.
11 love. when you get here, lust might be ahead of you. just wait in the kitchen

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Why you Shouldn't Play with Puppies

"Oh my goodness, you are going to love Asheville. " - Everyone

The hotel was basically a hotel. The club was pretty much a club, and this small college town was pretty much a college town full of lesbians, hippies, cross dressers, southern belles, redneck idiots, yuppies, and college kids. I loved it immediately. The first night I got there, I was so tired from having performed the night before at the University of Vampires, in Fuck My Life, Pennsylvania, that I just did the show and went to bed. Sleep 1 Asheville 0

The next day, I got up, worked out and took in the city. It was Ann Arbor, Michigan, but in the south. Smart people, well read and kinda fun. It did have a great vibe to it, so I began to warm up to my 24 hour home. The shows were good the night before, so I could only assume a similar crowd for tonight. However, In the back of my mind, I was haunted by the fact that I have to drive 612 miles to Detroit on Sunday to catch a flight back home to LA. Long story. I am smart, funny, and pretty, but I don't get maps. Can we get past this? Okay, good.

My first thought is: Sleep all day. Don't drink. Do the shows and drive straight through all night and get home in the morning.

My second thought was: Ha! as if...

To make matters worse or better depending on your perspective, this thought was strengthened immediately upon seeing how many pretty girls were in this city. I mean they were all over the place, but they were young. I mean 20 or so. Cool?

Now listen, 20 something girls are fine, if you want to pretend that 20 something girls are fine, but in reality, they are kinda the big lie. You know, like puppies. Sure, they are super cute, fun to play with, they will put anything in their mouths at least once, etc but they are also messy and a lot of work. (and need shots for weird stuff. Wait. What?)

Who cares. I wanna play with a puppy. So, I decide to stay.

After my first show I meat 3 girls. Kristy, Kelly, and Christy. They wanted to hang out. I have a penis, so I said okay. They took me to a bar, we danced, drank, had fun. Christy took a liking to me and she started asking me about later. Saying that she wanted to play with me longer. To speed things up, see lower case montage below

her flirting
me listening
her friends getting annoyed
me watching
her telling her friends to leave her there, and that i would give her a ride home
me interrupting to see how far away she lived
her saying 30 minutes
me agreeing to do so
her checking her phone reading texts from friends asking if she was okay
us drinking
us closing the bar
us back at my hotel

Yes, I brought a puppy home from the store. This is an exciting thing. It's what I asked for. Yay me!

We got into my room and so began the training.

Her: I am not going to be that girl.
Me: Who is that girl?
Her: You know, the one that watches you perform, comes back to your hotel and sleeps with you

Weird. All night, she sorta told me that she was that girl.

Me: Okay. What do you want to do then? I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow
Her: We can watch TV.

SEE!!! SO MUCH WORK!!!!! TOLD YOU!

Me: Great!

We watched for a bit and then I fell asleep only to be awoken by the soft realization that I was being eaten or chewed on. Yes, she was teething. I am not kidding she bit me awake.

I kinda jumped up and she was laughing and then she said, "Rar."

Me: Did you just say rar, or are you growling?
Her: I just said Rar. I like to bite.
Me: Of course you do. (Thinking: Do I need to hide my shoes?)
Her: I've changed my mind. I am that that girl. Let's go you dirty dog.
Me: Did you just... You know what, never mind.

We hooked up. It was fun. Sorry folks, no lower case montage again, but it was entertaining. We finished and fell asleep at 426 AM. I was now excited to sleep and wake up at noon and drive home.

Nope.

615 AM she woke me up. Yep, she wanted to go outside. It was the worst. She had crazy energy.

Her: I'm up. I'm kinda like a Jack Russel Terrier.
Me: Are you kidding? Please. I need sleep.
Her: Okay, then I'm gonna go. I had fun. I won't give you my number, but if you get it, I totally love you.

Wow, she even thinks like a puppy. Then she was gone. Game. Set. Match to her.... sorta

Next time she sees me, she'll be grown up. She may not remember my face, or my smell, but I know that she will wag her tail with memory when she tells her other friends about her master. Ha, okay, that was bad, but I'm bad. I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

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I think I'd like to be in Love with you for a day

I had a date with this girl who was at my show. We went to dinner, so I had to tell her that I loved her.Had to. I think I even informed her before I picked her up. I am sure that I meant it and even better, the mood was right. There was alcohol, beef stew, televisions with sports on them, keno, popcorn, pool, karaoke, and most of all, she was next to me with no intention of leaving in the near future. Score.

Her: I just got out of a break up
Me: Bummer, want to do a shot?
Her: Okay

Inside My Head Voice: I think I love her. Not because of the booze, but because this was one of those International Coffee moments that only happens like six maybe seven times a week.

Me: This is fun, right?
Her: Okay...

I am on the road a lot, so I have to take love where I can get it. Sex is an entirely different thing. That's actually easy for me. Always has been. My formula for sex is as follows: Funny plus weird eyes plus nice words equals, " Oh my God, I normally don't sleep with people I just meet, especially comics."

However, love is an evasive monkey that lives anonymously near by and eats all my bananas. I never see said chimp, yet it taunts me by leaving love peels everywhere. Curious George? Hardly. Think, "When Animals Attack."

That said, I am a crazy romantic, but it's super hard to get a girl to want to be with a person, like me, in transit. I am in flight, and as fun as it sounds, I'm on this plane alone. For example, Bon Jovi's Dead Or Alive is a great song about a musical warrior poised to, "rock them all," but, people who hear that song fantasize about living that life, but not loving the Jove. He goes from town to town directly in front of, but oceans away from everyone. Then he escapes with his towel and his wrestling sneakers, to an unnamed hotel where he most likely deflowers some random and then splits in the AM alone. Again: Sex, I'm a cowboy. Love, I'm Livin On A Prayer.

Anyway, back to Royal Oak, Michigan and my 2 hour romance. Maybe not, I mean the true problem with me is that I don't have an off switch. If I like a girl, I have to tell her constantly and then some. I can't stop. If I were a hose, I would water the fuck out of a pretty flower until it was drowing in h2o compliments. So here we go...

Me: I'm here til Thursday we should go out again.
Her: Let's just see how tonight goes.
Me: Okay...
Her: I just want to have fun, you know take things slow.
Me: Sweet, me too.

One one thousand. Two one thousand..

Me: So what time do you have to work tomorrow? I mean how late can you stay out? I mean would you like some more water, pretty flower person?
Her: I work at 5 am, so I have to be home by 10:00
Me: Okay.

She drank her Amstel Light. Sipped her So Co with lime and in her eyes, I could see her slightly thrown off by me me-ish-ness. It's just so much easier to have sex. Why can't I be cool when it's not about that? Ughh

Me: We should go out Tuesday as well. I think I love you. I mean, I could.
Her: What?!
Me: Nothing. I said, man do I love popcorn. Oh, and the song Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones


Inside of my head voice: What the Hell? Where did this come from? I'm 30 minutes into date one and I am picking out china patterns for date three. I need help. This is already over. I might as well go big and freak her out. It will make me feel better when we get divorced in 45 minutes.

Me: Come to LA Next week. Then I am doing Hawaii. You should come there too. I really feel a crazy connection between us. Seriously.
Her: Yeah... I work a lot.
Me: Quit.
Her: Look I really think you're a nice guy...etc dagger, poison, the end, just friends and so on.
Me: You say that now, but you will totally be thinking of me tomorrow and we will have fun on Tuesday also. You are really beautiful.
Her: I don't like compliments
Me: Okay... But you are SO pretty.
Her: (eyes rolling)I'm tired, can we go home?

Inside voice: Shocker. Poor little flower

Me: Sure

So, I really did actually like her and I did mean all of the things I said, I just should have spread them out over a few years, but nope. I'm in flight remember. Or I Give Love A Bad Name

I dropped her off at her house. Was sad for a few minutes and then I went to another bar where I met someone else and ended up naked with her on her couch because to me sex is like walking. Only thing is, I wish I saved some water, because I couldn't say a word to this new girl. Not even, you are nice or this is fun, or how do you make your tongue do that. Plus, jeez was I thirsty. I left and gave her a hi five. Yep.

To top it off, right after I left the couch, I texted the flower with a quote from Beautiful Girls, "Good Night Sweet Girl." To which she replied "Please do not call me." Oh well, that's another day in my life. In one day, I was in love and I did have sex, but somehow the only person who feels fucked is me.

I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

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Perfect- J Chris Newberg

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Not Rape, But Not, Not Rape

I was woken up from a nap only to find a girl that I barely knew at my door. How did she get in my building? What did she want?
Answer Key:
1-no idea
2- my purity

She said she was drunk and that she was about to bring it.
I went with it.

Answer key: Wrong answer


The following is a short poem called

my nose is bruised




Her: GET IN THE BED!
Him: Okay
Her: Suck my C***
Him: What? No kissing first? Um..
Her: Shut up bitch
Him: Oh, I get it, this is that scene from American Pie?!
Her: Funny. You are Funny.
Him: Thank you?
Her: SHUT UP! GET ON THE BED

playing along - no words just robotic obedience

Her: Lay on your back . Say something else funny
Him: This is odd
Her: HA! Nice work Clown.
Him: Thank you?
Her: Shut up. Better yet, I'm gonna shut you up clown.

She got on top of his face

Her: How does this feel?
Him: Awkward
Her: Are you gay?
Him: No, just confused.
Her: About women?
Him: No, you're hurting my chin and my jaw is numb. I barely know you. It's daytime, you're drunk. I'm sober. This feels like wrestling

Her: well I am kicking your ass
Him: yes
Her: Say something funny now, dick
Him: My nose is bruised

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